


Bordershorts

by Twilit



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-23 12:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/926499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilit/pseuds/Twilit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pandora: a hellhole of a planet where your only remaining defense mechanism is to go bugnuts crazy. Bordershorts: A collection of (very) short stories detailing that particular kind of insanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This isn't goddamn TF2

**Author's Note:**

> In reaction to Gearbox's heads for Assault on Dragon Keep.

"TINA!" The yell shot through the Crimson Raider's HQ like electricty through a psycho. Grown men cowered, strong women looked away and Tannis tried to eat a banana through her nose.

"TINA, WHAT THE HELL GIRL?!" came Gaige's cry as she stormed up the stairs, a bundle of fabric clutched in one hand.

"Yoyoyo, what up bestie?" Tina was sprawled over a chair, spinning on it in circles and trying to old on.

"Do NOT tell me this is the victory gift you got me for the Bunkers and Badasses game." Gaige thrust the fabric under Tina's nose as it spun by, once, twice and one last time. 

The smaller girl hauled up in the chair and scrunched up her face, looking all the world like she was about to sneeze. "What's wrong with it?"

"What's wrong with it? It's a HAT. Just a hat."

"Nah gurl, there's a scarf up in there too. It's a replica of what them mage dudes be wearin' in Ultimate Fantasia 378!"

"Oh, sorry. A hat AND a scarf. Tina, you got Axton a badass helmet that made his eyes glow! And I thought we agreed Axton was a douchecanoe that hits on anything with two legs and a pair of tits!"

"Well yeah, but... lookie here, I sewed on some blingin' gold gears for you, personalized that shit for you some! That's individualality right there!"

"Tina, that's an aluminum alloy you sprayed painted gold. If you want I could probably identify the composite of the alloy by licking it, but I'm pretty sure the paint IS POISONOUS!"

Gaige's voice broke into that excited growl and her mechanical arm twitched reflexively. Tina swallowed nervously and looked over her shoulder at the balcony.

"Uh, yeah, how else is people gonna know what a badass you is? Are? Izare?"

"Agh!" Gaige threw her arms in the air, which Tina almost mistook for the summoning of the Deathtrap. Still, just to be safe, she backed towards the balcony.

"Gaige, baby, I thought it'd be perfect! Mechromancer, necromancer, a shout-out to UF378 sounded like a great idea!"

"Hmm, what about, Mechromancer, necromancer, SKULL-FACE WITH GREEN FIREY EYES?"

"But uh, you already got a helmet like tha-"

"DO YOU SEE ME COMPLAINING?!"

"Look gurl, I get it, you're disappointed! Tina can make it up! Lemme go get you another class mod. True Neutral maybe? Somethin' chaotic? Ohohoh! And I'ma make Axton's glowy helmet eyes give him brain cancer, yeah! I'm a genius!"

Tina, by now well off in her own world, vaulted the balcony's edge and rushed off. Gaige was left holding her hat and scarf with a flickering holoprojector. A long-winded, dejected sigh was interrupted by Salvador's venturing tone.

"I like hats?"

\--

Days later, all agreed that Sal and Gaige should probably not have swapped headgear.

\--

"TINA! WHY THE HELL ARE THERE FLEAS ON THIS THING?!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on an actual, in-game competition between friends bored of farming Crawmerax.

"Hang on, hang on, I got this!"

And with that Mordecai leapt from the dispenser. Arms stretched out, he grabbed ahold of the girder and pulled himself up beside the massive elevator that led to the (carcass of) Crawmerax. 

"Good job, Mordecai. Move over so I can get there." Roland clambered up boxes and hopped onto the dispenser, gesturing for the hunter to move. 

"Uh hello? It's a freakin' girder. I don't got anywhere to- HEYWHOAWAI-!"

The lot of them were still running hyper after the colossal fight with the beast known as Crawmerax and his annoying spawn, which probably explained why the normally cool-headed Roland jumped, over-shooting his mark and crashing into Mordecai, bringing them both slamming into the ground. The groans of pain from the man pile soon shifted to idiotic laughter and Lilith had to put her head in her hands. It had to be a testosterone thing. There was no good reason why grown men should be acting like kids on a jungle gym.

"Hey guys, you MIGHT want to get out from under there!" boomed Brick as he made his run. 

"Hoshit!" The pair scrambled out from under the walking slab of muscle as he hurled himself off the dispenser. With a complete but effective lack of grace, the huge man slammed into the wall beside the girder hard enough to shake loose bits of rock and dust. Scraping his face around, he gave the group a thumbs up. 

"I'm OK!"

"Hey man, I think you're big enough to reach that next beam without jumping," Roland called. The bigger man shuffled awkwardly around until he faced where Roland was pointing. 

"I dunno, man, you sure?" Doubt was evident on his face.

"Yeah, and if not, you can just hop and make it, right?" Roland bit his lip and whispered out the side of his mouth to Mordecai, "A thousand says he faceplants."

"Hell no, no bet." 

Brick, meanwhile, was stretched out as far as he could go, scant inches from reaching the girder above and across him. "Just a... little... more!"

That, of course, was when his boot slipped and he crashed to the ground to the hooting laughter of the other boys. Even Lilith covered her mouth as she giggled at the mess of limbs Brick made. 

"Oh my god, guys, can we please just get back to T-Bone Junction? I wanna wash this crab-worm gore off me," she called.

"Aw come on, Lil, we're just havin'- WHOA!"

"IDEA!" boomed Brick again as he accepted Mordecai's hand up. He swept the skinny kid up and planted him squarely on his shoulders. 

"Dude! Let me down! This is a terrible idea!"

"Nope!"

"He's right Mordecai, it's a BRILLIANT idea," grinned Roland as he stepped back to let the Brick/Mordecai combo hop up the boxes.

"This is a RETARDED idea," muttered Lilith, looking up in time to watch Brick's majestic leap... carry Mordecai's horrified face into a beam just too low.


	3. Echo Recordings #675, #732, #888, and #1,033

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of echo recordings found across Pandora. Authors unknown.

_\--==+Found at Boot Hill+==--_

Shit, shit, shit. They got me good that time. Goddammit, maybe it's time to beat feet. Ah knew we shoulda asked for help from Ellie, maybe the Hodunks, hell, even the Crimson Raiders. Knew it were stupid to try hold out on our own. Now Ah think the entire town's bit it.

Goddammit, Ah just wanted a nice quiet retirement from Dahl, get a little bit o' land and just expire peaceful-like. But nooo. Fuckin' bandits. Fuckin' bugs. Fuckin' dust. Nah, hold that thought. The Dust... 's'alright. Came here for a reason. Endless dunes, not a soul fer miles, storms you could get lost in... Ah loved leavin' town for weeks at a time, just me, m' Supressive Strike and 'nuff supplies to last the run.

The way the sun beams'd cut down through the dust storms, the dunes all glimmerin' with dew in the early morn... The Dust is right beautiful when yer not fightin' fer yer life. Speakin' o' which, Ah'd best git goin'. Maybe hole on up in the chapel. Ain't a god-fearin' man m'self, but Ah reckon Ah could Strike the fear o' Him into some bandits eheheh...

Yeah that was lame. 

_\--==+Found on Mount Hellsfont+==--_

I really don't know why they put Lover's Leap on the other side of the mountain. It's such a boring jump. I mean, god, there's barely any lava there at all. Who wants to go out with a splat? Disgusting. You might as well eat a bullet, plebeian. 

Over here, though, here's a good spot to end it all. You want to a romantic spot to take that last leap with your loved one? Where better than a river of lava so wide it might as well be a lake? The popping of magma bubbles, the hypnotic flow of molten stone... and oh, the heat. That wonderful, oppressive all-encompassing heat. Can any passion match it? Can any lover's embrace compare? Just imagine, two people holding one another, letting the heat enfold them before that last drop.

That's where I'm headed now. I've thrown a lot of people into these "waters" and I think it's finally time I sample them for myself. We'll finally be one, Hellsfont. 

_\--==+Found at Avie's Camp+==--_

Fuck this place. Fuck Sawtooth Cauldron.

Like, all of it. 

I mean it. 

The whole thing. Fuck it. Fuck it hard. Fuck it with moonshot blitzes all day e'rry day. Fuck it until it's a crater within a crater. Fuck it with the enormous, diseased dong of God. Seriously. Fuck this hole.

Like, fuck Sawtooth Cauldron, is all I'm saying. 

_\--==+Found on the Ice Flows+==--_

Sometimes I fucking wonder why we’re fighting for this rancid shitheap of a planet.

And then, between swatting rakk out of the sky with a man-portable flak cannon and running screaming from bloodthirsty bullymong packs, I get a chance to look to the horizon, all aflame with the setting sun. I see icebergs bathed in the pink glow of dusk and a distant, lonely structure of a long-dead fisherman perched precariously on an eroding cliff. I think to my self, “You know, this isn’t too bad.”

Then I finish reloading the damn Bandit piece of shit I tore from the bloody hands of a marauder and begin emptying the mags into a boat full of psychos.

Viva la vida Pandora, bitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really fucking hate Sawtooth Cauldron.


	4. Mercenary Daze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, it ain't Christmas without a litre of rum and at least one regret.

"Accuracy," said the assassin and the hunter.

"Damage," said the soldier.

"Burning," said all the women. The shortest one piped up. "Or electrocution. Electrocution is cool too."

"SOUL STABBER!" gibbered the psycho.

"Fire rate!" said the midget.

"...Sal, dude, you use _pistols_." 

"But Vladof pistol is best pistol!"

"Oh come on compadre! You gotta love the Jacobs irons!"

"They make me take my finger off the trigger. I do not like taking my finger off the trigger."

"ANYWAYS," boomed the walking slab of meat. "Explosions!"

"EXXXXXPLOOOOOOSSIOOOOOONS!" mimicked the small child, setting off some desultory fireworks. No one was sure where she'd gotten them from. Probably brought them with her. The light show was bright and brief, and soon the gabbing and jawing continued.

"I hate you all," said the fat man as he watched his train rain beautiful, valuable guns upon the vault hunters and associated persons. The lot of them were camped out in Gingerton, rummaging through Marcus's train and "debating" the most important virtue of any given gun.

"Hey man, this was your idea. You saved Mercenary Day! And as the only passable Dahl representative present, please allow me to thank you for your tireless defense of Pandora's most treasured holiday." Axton made a half-bow at the waist and nearly dropped Tannis off his lap. She gave him a light slap and tried to focus on her bottle of bladeflower brandy.

"I think that the blood condent of my alcohol shtream is too high... Musht regtify." As she tossed back another swallow, Axton casually removed the bottle from her grasp and tossed it to Marcus. She kept drinking from thin air.

"Compliments of the finest mad science Pandora has to offer."

The fat man took a whiff of the spirit and reared his head back. "WOW. That is some strong stuff."

"Hey old man, if you're too much of a wimp, pass the good liquid," Gaige made to grab for the bottle, but Marcus straight-armed her with remarkable poise.

"Fuck off, kiddo, this is perfect," Marcus then knocked the bottle back, chugging an impressive quantity down to the cheers of the assembled companions. Then, apparently still in the Mercenary Day spirit, he tossed the bottle to the mechromancer.

"Sweet!" As the young woman sucked and grimaced down the alcohol, the mood of the party slowly turned to quietude. The group seemed willing to abide by the unspoken silence, staring into the fire they'd made of the giftboxes, timbers and singing psycho limbs. Tannis passed out, and Axton laid her down and covered her with his coat. Maya slipped an arm around Kreig who did his best not to exclaim some horrible profanity. By the time the bottle made it to Mordecai, it was nearly empty. He finished it off, of course, tossing it into the fire.

"Oh, that won't do," muttered Marcus, clearly feeling the brandy somewhat. He fiddled with his inventory and presently a clear, unlabelled bottle digistructed into his hand. He took a swig and then passed the bottle. 

"Whoa," said the mechromancer.

"Oh, that's the stuff..." said the hunter.

"I can't drink, you ass. Damn your filthy meatbag ways. Loading a glitch now."

"Burning!" coughed the sirens.

"My head is spinning faster than a barrel!" said the midget

"Oh yeeaaahhh..." groaned the berserker.

"Yeaahh bitchez, let's get *caff* *caff* oh god how do you drink this shieeee- oh that's goood," murmured the lost child.

"GLUG GLUG" gibbered the psycho.

"HURRRK," vomited the crazy lady.

"I'm gonna have to clean that up, aren't I," muttered the soldier.

\--

Blearily the group woke up the next morning. By pieces they got their shit together, stumbling too and fro. Clothing was changed, hastily. Apologies were made, vaguely. Guns were checked, professionally. That was when they noticed. Noticed the glaring lack at the center of their group. A loss that none of them could ever replace.

**_"MARCUS!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR LOOT?!"_ **


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is the point of DLC vehicles if you can't use them in the main game I ask you.

"Aw come on, Scooter! At least take a look at them!" Gaige pleaded with the chromosomally-challenged man.

"Nah, girl, I already told ya, I ain't loadin' no two-bit wannabe mechanic's shot at makin' a drivin' machine into my Catch-A-Ride stations!"

"But they're already _in_ your stations in Oasis and Aegrus!"

"That's cuz they done hacked my stations and cut them from the network! You see any of mine or Ellie's sweet rides over there? Huh?!"

"Scooter, Aegrus is a _swamp_. I don't think your runners would-"

"And now you's disrespectin' my runners! Gaige girl, you ain't too good at this negosheeashonin'."

"Oh for-!" Gaige threw up her hands and turned to stomp off. She thought she'd be able to get Scooter to see reason, one engineer to another, but apparently calling Scooter an engineer was a bit too generous. Grumbling about _idiocratic, stagnant, half-wit grease monkeys_ she was about to leave the garage when something occurred to her. You could almost see the lightbulb construct itself above her head.

"So you don't want any revenge on those two-bit stealing low-lifes who hacked your Catch-A-Rides?"

Scooter stood from rummaging around a toolbox, thankfully pulling up his hanging pants. He casually flipped a wrench in one hand as he regarded Gaige with narrowed eyes. 

"Con-tinuuue..." he drawled suspiciously.

"Why don't you just steal _their_ ideas? Hi-jack a few vehicles and see what they can do, then steal what you like from 'em."

The flat-faced man seemed to consider this and rubbed his stubble for a while, smearing grease all over his face. Then he scratched his head. After a bit of that, he scratched his balls.

"Yeah, I don't get it."

"Oh my automotive fuck." Gaige banged her head off the garage door in frustration. "You come to Oasis. Look at Sandskiff. Steal cool bits to make new vehicles of your own."

"What, like, leave Sanctuary? Gaige, I ain't no bandit or vault hunner! I don't wanna die!"

Gaige stared at the man in disbelief. Then she drew a Reactive Conference Call in one hand and an Impetuous Florentine in the other while Deathtrap materialized behind her.

"Get in the fucking Fast Travel, we're going looting, bitch."

\--

It turns out that as good as Scooter was at making cars, he complete shit at driving them. That, or he was so attuned at driving cars, driving a sand skiff was impossible.

"I don't even know _how_ you got a repulsor-based craft stuck in a sand dune." Gaige looked on as Scooter tinkered with the underside of the skiff while Deathtrap kept a watchful eye out for worms and other skiffs. 

"Welllll, it's a piece of crap, what d'you expect girl?"

"Dude, we used these to surf the back of a fucking sandworm queen and ramp off a beached destroyer. You just suck at driving." She had to duck a wrench whipped at her head. Her continued ragging was put on hold by the telltale crackle-zap of Deathtrap's long-range attack going off. 

Another skiff was approaching at speed. With practiced speed, Gaige put away the Conference Call and pulled out a corrosive Vladof Vanquisher. The chugga-whine of the rotating muzzle started up and then the air was filled with dripping corrosive death. The screaming bandits on board jeered as the shots went wide, but fell silent as the rockets tracked closer and closer to their vehicle.

When the flimsy craft was finally consumed in an acidic explosion, Gaige was pretty sure she heard a bandit scream, "FUCK!"

"Hey Scooter, got another skiff for you to look at." She looked back at the smoking, sizzling wreck. "Maybe give the sand a bit to eat up the acid though."

"Did you see how quick that thing went down, Gaige m' girl? Crappy construction, I tell ya."

"It took a rocket to the face. Pretty sure your runner would have suffered the same fate."

"Hell naw!"

"Ok, maybe it would have taken two."

"I am gonna take issue with your words about my babies soon," Scooter warned, shaking a hammer at her threateningly.

"Says the man to a chick armed to the teeth. Just see if there's anything you can use in there."

\--

"Ok, Gaige, I really hope you got the sense to see what's wrong with this thing."

"What are you talking about now?" the girl asked, distractedly. With Deathtrap on cooldown it was on her to defend their hill, sniping away at the crowd of savages charging them. Of course, this being Gaige, her idea of sniping was putting as much lead in the general direction of the enemy while looking down a scope and hoping for the best. By the way the natives kept getting dropped by ricochets, it was working for her.

"It's a _hovercraft_ darlin'. Blows air 'n out it's ass?"

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Scooter, what's your point?"

"You take this thing anywhere that ain't, like, solid ground or water, you are gonna get so much grit up in this thing's guts it'll be poopin' bricks for dayyyyyys."

"Yeah, but-"

"And if it goes to the Dust, you know, that fuckhueg area that takes up like, half our operamational area? You ain't gonna be able to see shiiiiiet for all the, you know, DUST you's gonna be kickin' up."

"Ok, fair point but- Crankshaft! I'm empty!" Gaige tossed the Droog aside. Stupid limited sniper ammo capacity. What'd they think, this was supposed to be fair and balanced or some shit? The savages, seeing her toss aside her deathspitter, charged en masse. 

"Scuse me, Scooter, gotta get up on the turret!" Gaige stepped on Scooter's back to hop up onto the mounted gun, slamming the older man into the deck of the fan boat.

"Goddammit girl, respect your- AIIIIIIEEEEEE!" A girlish scream tore out of the redneck's throat as he saw the bloodthirsty attackers coming for him. He scrambled back to put the bulk of the boat between them and his precious bodily fluids. "Holy shit girl, why ain't you firin' yet?!"

"Waiting until I can see the whites of their beady little eyes," purred the mechromancer, voice husky with battle-lust. 

"What the hell fo-" Scooter's scream was drowned out by the roar of a flamethrower's ignition. He swore he could feel his eyebrows go up, and the swamp-sodden pants he wore were flash-dried from the extreme heat. Gaige tracked the flamethrower back and forth, melting flesh and popping bone while laughing maniacally. The screaming coming from the burning pyre of savages was almost enough to cover the roar of the mounted weapon and cackling of the mechromancer. Scooter looked on, hypnotized by the play of flames over damp earth and crisped flesh. 

Shortly, the only remaining savage was fleeing down the hill, still on fire, still screaming. He almost made it to the water before collapsing, shock finally taking him. A silence of words hung in the air while Gaige dismounted from the gun, clanking on to the fan boat's deck. Scooter just stared up at the gun.

"Ok, that? I'ma need that. That's goin' on a runner."

"HELL yes!" cheered Gaige leaping into the air and fist-pumping.

\--

Days later, a hoarse, manic voice screamed across the highlands,

"THIS IS MY FLAMMENWERFER! _**IT WERFS FLAMMEN!**_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't think you understand how much i love gaige


	6. Six Drunk Assholes Talking About Shakespeare - The Misleading Title You Never Thought You'd Read in a Borderlands Fanfic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever just _listened_ to the stupid shit these people say?

A campfire, high in a cave above the Wildlife Preservation Reservce. Stalkers and rakk, roasting over the flames. Six murderous psychopaths in various states of depression. Way too much alcohol to be healthy for any one of them. Jack was dead, Roland was dead, Terramorphus was dead and they had enough firepower to wipe out an entire military division. The Vault Hunters were without purpose, without a goal and catastrophically bored.

Then one of them spoke up.

"Most hilarious thing you have ever heard anyone on this planet say," declared Axton, waving a bottle of bladeflower brandy at the air. "Go."

The others looked at him blearily, their besodden psyches dripping with alcohol and trying to make sense of the declaration. Salvador, having a much higher constitution than the others, wrangled his mouth into working first.

"You know in ECHOsims, when people go 'Johnny, noooo'? This one time I heard a bandit yell, 'Whatsyername! Nooo!'"

That got a few smirks and grins.

"Oh, well, for bandits, I once had a midget run up to me, right?" Maya struggled with her words, "Run up to me, yeah? screaming like they do, and it was screaming, 'SCARY NOISES, SCARY NOISES!'"

Her drunken impression of an arm-wheeling midget was priceless, even as it slopped beer all over the place.Laughter broke out around camp and the fire sizzled with beer.

"Hey, hey, watch the alcohol abuse!"

"Cram it, short stuff, unless you've got something better."

"Sure!" said Gaige and tried to straighten from her slump. "So this one time, this one time we were murdering Hyperions, and, and one of them engies calls me a loser, right? Well, couple of magazines later, he's bleeding out on the ground and his last words are, get this, 'I almost finished my comic collection...' and I jump on his corpse all, 'WHO'S THE LOSER NOW?"

Salvador and Krieg cheered, but mostly at the description of death, while Axton and Maya just looked disappointed with the story. "Well, _I_ thought it was funny..."

"Sure thing kiddo. Right, next up, psychos-" Axton began.

"Oh this will be good! Psychos are always good for a laugh."

"You got it Sal. So this was pretty recent, and I had this badass Pangolin on and there was no way I was in danger. So I hear this psycho coming at me, and I'm about to blow him away, when I realize he's saying some shit, like, long-form poetry or something." That got some looks from the assembled group. "So I straight-arm him with my shotgun, and he's wailing on me, trying to get through the shield and yammering on and I realize, _hang on_ , this guy is reciting Shakespeare! Hamlet!"

"No fucking way!"

"You must be joking. A jest, worthy of the Bard. Tell me you're joking."

"What's a Shakespeare?"

"See? Pandorans don't know that shit! He's a famous writinger person from millenia ago, Sal. Not the sort of thing you find around here."

"Huuuuh. Now that I think about it," Maya scrunched her face up, "I think I might have heard one quoting Shakespeare too. No idea if it was Hamlet though."

"Really?! What the hell, is there like some kind of Bandit Shakespearean Appreciation Club?"

"A bunch of psychos all sitting around screaming Romeo and Juliet at each other!" The Vault Hunters howled with laughter.

"Hey, I know Romeo and Juliet! That's Shakespeare?"

"Ahahaha, oh man, was it performed by psychos? Tell me it was performed by psychos!"

"No, the church put it on in my-"

"Ahahaha oh man, that's even better! What the hell kind of churches do you even have here?"

"Bad ones!"

The laughter was getting to that inane, infectious stage, where the slightest thing would set them off.

"Oh, oh, I got another!" Sal said, jumping up. "A goliath: Gunzerker man has double pleasuring!"

The small man's goliath imitation was spot on and set the group off again. Axton joined in with

"I not buy ticket to gun show!"

The group leapt in surprise as Zero's perfect audio recreation of, "Tall man, fast move! Was there, now there! Hooooow?" and then kept laughing.

"Oh shit! I just remembered!" Gaige got to her feet, promptly stumbling into a pillar to stay upright. Then she posed dramatically, as if about to faint and delivered a brilliant female goliath impression, "Good night... sweet prince!"

Then she righted herself excitedly. "That's Shakespeare, right? THERE IS TOTALLY A BANDIT SHAKESPERAREAN SOCIETY GUYS."

The others kept howling with laughter. Axton had fallen clear off his throne of booze crates and was holding his sides, kicking his feet in the air and Salvador was on his stomach pounding the floor with his fists, even if he didn't quite get all of it. Even Krieg got into it with an explosion of,

"I AM UNUSED TO THE EMOTIONS I AM CURRENTLY FEELING!!!"

Maya patted him on the shoulder and then beamed, "Oh! Guys: anything Scooter says, ever."

"As long as he's not talking to you!" 

"Ahahaha, yes! Ohhh man, that boy ain't right."

"NIPPLE SALADS."

"ALSO: anything our resident meat fetishist says!"

"SHOTGUUUUN RHINOPLASTY!" Krieg apparently attempted an impression as well, because his voice raised an octave and cracked, setting every one off again.

"Oh man. Can you guys remember when we were almost _scared_ of these guys?" Maya asked, wiping a tear from her eyes.

Gaige saw her moment to redeem herself with the hilarity making and stood up, gesturing for silence. Axton groaned and the mechromancer threw a bottle at his head. She hit Sal, who just started drinking it. When she had her silence, she started to say something and then broke down giggling. Maya now groaned and Gaige waved her hands,

"No, no, this is gonna be good, I promise," she said, taking a breath and concentrating. Then, the voice of everyone's favorite mechanical pervert creaked out from her, 

"Guuuuuys. Don’t you get it?! Jack was coming after meeee!"

And the cave erupted into laughter, Axton kicking the ground, Salvador wheezing for breath and Maya so out of breath she started hiccuping. Krieg chortled so hard a frothy foam began to dribble from under his mask. 

When Salvador managed to get his breath back, he started, "You killed my friends! You destroyed my product line!..." and everyone joined in, a glorious tribute of voices struggling to keep the beat, "I am the last Claptrap in existence, AND I AM GOING TO TEABAG YOUR CORPSE!"

It seemed like hours when the laughter finally died off and everyone's personal spirits were mightily restored, even as they drained their liquid spirits. 

"Here's to Claptrap," Axton said, raising his bottle, "Annoying little bastard, but goddamn if he isn't the demented, rambling heart of our opereraration."

"To Claptrap!"

"I WANNA SURF HIM LIKE A UNICYCLE!"

"Best robot we could ask for!"

"To the lonely bot. May he never leak oily tears. On me, at the least."

"May he hump legs forever more! Jusht not ours!"

More laugher, and they downed their drinks.

* * *

A campfire, smouldering in the dawn light. Several hundred empty bottles, scattered about, marking the place. Six completely passed out figures, in various states of alcohol poisoning. All entirely content with the lives they have led, the people they have killed, and the robot they reluctantly followed but mostly avoided at all costs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you are fucking kidding yourself if you think the first character you are playing in the pre-sequel _isn't_ Claptrap


End file.
